Numbness is so familiar that it made grief’s presence unnoticed.   Your loved one was lost and numbness robbed you. Denial never came so grief couldn’t skip the line. It only felt like you had lost a pen you liked. Only that this was irreplaceable. You knew something wasn’t right. You wanted to feel more. You wanted to wail and cry like normal people do. The more effort you put for these feelings to surface, the clearer it became that they wouldn’t.  Finally, you cried. The type of tears that comes from the frustration of wanting to feel so badly. Those that aren’t associated with pain. The pain was imagined but the only thing you truly felt was the wetness from the tears that rolled down your cheeks. They gave a false sense of pain but then mocked you. They did when they finally got to your lips. Then your brain took the moment away by complimenting your tears for having the perfect amount of salt. Who measured it? And why does it taste salty? You thought to research it forgetting you had grief that remains ‘ungrieved’.  You finally gave up and accepted things for what they were. With the most important phrase people use to get over dead relatives or friends. ‘Life goes on”. It was life goes on for the next few days until you totally forgot. You repeated this phrase every other time you heard of a celebrity death until it lost it’s true meaning. You live your life, worrying about your next bill, how to deal with you the people at your new work place, that it consumes you. Now it’s really life goes on but not without its challenges. A year and a half later when there’s no hope for grief to show it’s face. It does! When you’re on vacation sipping a mojito by the beach. You sat there thinking to yourself, this moment I prayed for is finally here but at the worst possible time. You finally feel something towards grief but it is anger. For its wrong timing and delay. Instead of you to grieve, you selfishly chugged the mojito to discredit the grief. Now you’re back in your bed, alone and wishing grief would come now. So you could cry for real this time and grieve your loved one.  Now it seems the numbness has driven grief away forever, cementing her place in your life.

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