I HATE THE PERSON I CAN BE

I HATE THE PERSON I CAN BE. 

I hate the person I am when I go for viewings, interviews or dates. I hate that I can’t really be myself. I hate that it puts me at a disadvantage when I consciously show up how I am. I hate having to meet old friends from the past. They expect me to look like my last post. But when I appear looking like my real self their smile shrinks instantly. 

I’ve shown up with nostalgic thoughts of silly things we used to do that made us happy but the sad thing is they barely even remember. The conversations needed to flow so they let out a fake laugh given away by a lost look of desperation. Seeking to please me, that I may tell them what I did to become ‘successful’ or at least ‘show love’ at the end of the catch-up that turned into a meeting. 

I came to them as an escape but now it just reminds me of why I hate who I can be. I’ve left someone else disappointed by showing up as myself. Until next time I hope this person I am doesn’t shy away or give way to the person I can be.